Thursday, September 10, 2009

Update Part 2

I just got a call from the L&D charge nurse and she said they should have a bed available around 1:00 this afternoon. The only drawback is that my OB is not on call this evening so it will be one of her partners delivering the baby. Oh well! At this point, I'm ready to have her and don't care who delivers her as long as they are an OB. So we'll see. I'm trying hard not to get my hopes up just yet. They are supposed to call me back and let me know for sure when to come in. So if you don't hear from me again, I'm on my way to the hospital and will update more when I can.

No room at the inn

Or hospital in this case. I woke up at 4 a.m. to call the labor unit (or birthing center as it's known at this fancy place) and I was told there were no beds and there were 3 women sitting at home also waiting to come in. I should call back at 8:00. The women was sweet and told me not to worry. I thought sure, you're not 3 days over your due date and running out of time to have your mom here to help. So I didn't sleep much after that. Theo was asleep downstairs and so I marched down there and told him that he might as well turn off his alarm because we weren't going anywhere. Then I started crying. I was so frustrated. So I called again at 7:45 and was told the same thing. I asked her what happens if I go into labor on my own and she said they would "figure something out" and that right now "for the safety of me and my baby, it wouldn't be safe to come in right now". What does that mean? So I marched back upstairs where Theo was and started crying again. He let me just lay on his shoulder and get all of my sobbing out while Carter is standing at the foot of the bed crying and saying "Mommy, be happy! Don't cry. I will cheer you up". What a sweet boy. He doesn't like to see me upset. I tried to explain to him that it wasn't his fault and that I was sad because baby sister wasn't here yet. So I'm sitting here at the kitchen table, it's 8:40 a.m. I thought by this point, I would be well on my way to having a baby but that is not the case. I know I'm probably blowing things all out of proportion but I am so frustrated. I feel like I'm on a roller coaster and just when I thought I was going to get off, I have to go for another loop around the track. I didn't think it would be such an ordeal to have a baby for crying out loud!

Wednesday, September 9, 2009


Had my doctor's appointment this morning. I am still only dilated 3 cm. She tried to get me admitted but the labor unit was full with scheduled c-sections and inductions so I wasn't able to go today. The plan as it stands now and is contingent upon the hospital having a bed available for me is to go in at 5 a.m. and be induced. She anticipates I will have the baby by lunch since I had such a quick labor with Carter. So that is that. I was quite emotional about it all this morning but after going for a long walk and chatting with God, I have a peace about just waiting it out. Even though I truly did not want to get induced, I feel God is teaching me that I am not in control and to trust His plans. Other than that, not much else to say. I hope I don't oversleep in the morning and hopefully by this time tomorrow, we will be parents again!


No news is NOT good news in this case. It's after 3 a.m. and I have been up for over an hour. I can't sleep. My mind is off in a million different directions. I keep willing myself to go into labor but so far that hasn't worked. Maybe I should have just taken the castor oil and been done with it. My OB appointment is in 6 hours and I'm not sure what to expect really. I am nervous about having to get induced. I think it's fear of the unknown. It's funny because I have heard women tell me they were nervous to go into labor on their own and would have rather been induced. And I'm the opposite I suppose. I truly thought Olivia would have been here on her own by now. I will admit that I'm a little disappointed that she is not but it's out of my control and I'm trying to trust God's timing.

Since I am already dilated and effaced some, I'm hoping and praying I won't have to have IV pitocin. I'm hoping she can either break my water and get things started or give me cytotec to thin out my cervix. I guess I'll have a better idea after my appointment. I'm hoping we can just go straight to the hospital and not have to come home and go through more waiting. I'm tired of waiting at this point. I just want Olivia to be here and for us to bring her home and start a new chapter of our lives as a family. I will try and blog more when I can...I think the hospital has wireless internet so I may be able to post pictures on my other blog. We'll see :) I'm hoping in 24 hours from now, we'll have a daughter!

Friday, September 4, 2009

Holdin' out

Mom will be here in 22 hours! It looks like Olivia (and God) listened to my prayers about wanting mom to be here when I go into full blown labor. I have been so much more relaxed today knowing that after tomorrow, I won't be so worried about who is taking care of Carter. My new friend from the neighborhood, Christine, offered from the get go to watch him. And I know he would be fine but he hasn't spent the night away from home in over a year and my mind would be much more at ease if I knew he was home with Omaw.

Today, I can't stop staring at Carter. I'm crying just thinking about it as I type that how any minute now, our lives are going to be so different and that it won't be just him and me anymore. Don't get me wrong, I am so thankful to be having another baby. We always knew we wanted more children and I am so excited to be having a daughter. But for three years, it's just been the three of us. It's definitely bittersweet for me. I have spent almost every waking moment with Carter since I stopped working and I love watching him grow up. He blows my mind by how smart he is. He has an incredible imagination. He is so bright and such a sweet tenderhearted child (most of the time). Frequently he tells me he loves me or that he wants to love on me and hold me. Lately, he keeps asking me "Mommy, will you take care of me?" How could I not take care of you my precious son? After all, isn't that what being a mom (or dad) is all about?

I worry about not giving him the attention he needs after Olivia comes home. I worry that I'll be so consumed with caring for her that his needs won't get met. I worry that he'll think that he's not important to me. I just want to still be as good of a mother to him after having Olivia as I believe I am right now.

I love Carter so much that it hurts my heart sometimes. Even before I ever laid my eyes on his sweet little face, I loved him. When I was pregnant with him, I wrote a song for him. I'll try and post the words soon. I can't right now because I would like to stop crying. And since the day I first held him in my arms, my life has never been the same. I am not the same. I now know of a love that I had never known before. And watching Theo hold him for the first time made me fall in love with Theo so much more. Holding this miracle that the two of us created together with God was such a life changing moment for me. I know that holding Olivia for the first time will bring back those same feelings. I belive in my heart I will love her as much as I love him and with the same intensity. I don't know how not to fall in love with my babies.

I will admit that the beginning of this pregnancy was different. I didn't feel as connected to her as I did with Carter. I believe now that it was because I was so preoccupied with taking care of Carter that I didn't have every waking moment to focus on the life growing inside of me. I knew I loved her and that I wanted her but it was definitely different. After the 20 week ultrasound and shock of thinking she might not be born completely healthy, I had a much stronger connection to her. I have felt waves of guilt the past several weeks when I start to complain about how bad I feel and how I haven't enjoyed being pregnant as much this time. I don't want Olivia, God, Theo, or anyone else to think that I don't want her because I have never wanted anything more that to be mom. And after we had the third ultrasound and I saw her adorable little scrunched up face, I fell in love with her. It's not the same love I have for Theo. I can't say I love my babies more than my husband or husband more than my babies because they are different kinds of love. But I do love my children so much more than I love myself. I would do anything in the world for them. Even though there are hard days, I am blessed beyond my wildest dreams. I thank God daily for allowing me to be a mom. I'm so honored he entrusted the lives of Carter and Olivia to me and Theo. I can't imagine my life any differently. I owe all that I have to God.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

More changes

This is going to be a short post just to update on my doctor's appointment (hopefully the last one until I'm 6 weeks postpartum!) I'm dilated 2-3 cms and effaced 60%! Yea! I'm hoping no more big changes until the weekend. But it is funny to think that when I was 3 cm with Carter, I was already in full blown labor, hurting like a son of a gun and begging for an epidural! Mayben this time won't be so bad. We'll see. The next post may hopefully be I'm on my way to the hospital or we have already had our precious baby girl. You may not hear from me again until then!! Exciting!

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

39 Weeks

Wow, it is exciting and scary to see the baby countdown say I only have 6 days left. SIX DAYS! Oh my goodness! I'm ready though. I made it through Carter's party and Theo's last 3-11 shift for a while. I'll be really really ready though when my mom steps off the airplane Saturday! I'm prayijng for no flight delays! I have been having more and stronger contractions but nothing that is regular. Last Wednesday night though I thought I might be in labor. I think I was just paranoid and anxious because Theo was working the late shift. I am really excited about my doctor's appointment tomorrow because I am certain things are happening down there! I go back and forth thinking I'll have her before her due date and then other times I think I'll end up having to be induced. But either way, in a week or so, she'll be here. That is so exciting! I can't believe we are starting over again. I bought a package of disposable diapers just to get us through the first few days so I don't have to worry about washing the cloth ones every day. It felt so strange to be buying diapers again! Carter asked if they were for him. Thankfully, NO! Anyway, not much else to report.

I bought some nursing bras yesterday and my mom sent me one. I need some nursing tank tops but the ones I looked at this weekend at Motherhood were a little more than what I wanted to pay. I will probably just order some online. I guess I need to drag the breastpump out and dust it off. I hope it still works. I don't plan on pumping for a while but I should at least see if it still works. It was a hand-me-down from my sis-in-law who also got it from another family member so it's quite old by now! Oh well, as long as it works, I don't care. I'm hoping that by the time Theo's parents come for Thanksgiving, she will be sleeping through the night (Olivia, not Theo's mom!) and maybe, just maybe, we can have a night away. That would be so great. Our alone time is virtually nonexsistent these days. I can't even sit in the bed with Theo in the mornings without Carter crying telling me not to "spend with daddy" (aka spend time with daddy) and to "come downstairs". He is so jealous of the time I try and spend with Theo. I told Carter this morning that he is in for quite a rude awakening when Olivia gets here. If he's jealous of 15 minutes I try to spend with Theo just talking, he is really gonna have a fit when I'm nursing around the clock and can't do anything with him!

I'll post the results of my doctor's appointment tomorrow if I get the chance. Pray for more changes but not too many before Saturday!