Holdin' out

Mom will be here in 22 hours! It looks like Olivia (and God) listened to my prayers about wanting mom to be here when I go into full blown labor. I have been so much more relaxed today knowing that after tomorrow, I won't be so worried about who is taking care of Carter. My new friend from the neighborhood, Christine, offered from the get go to watch him. And I know he would be fine but he hasn't spent the night away from home in over a year and my mind would be much more at ease if I knew he was home with Omaw.

Today, I can't stop staring at Carter. I'm crying just thinking about it as I type that how any minute now, our lives are going to be so different and that it won't be just him and me anymore. Don't get me wrong, I am so thankful to be having another baby. We always knew we wanted more children and I am so excited to be having a daughter. But for three years, it's just been the three of us. It's definitely bittersweet for me. I have spent almost every waking moment with Carter since I stopped working and I love watching him grow up. He blows my mind by how smart he is. He has an incredible imagination. He is so bright and such a sweet tenderhearted child (most of the time). Frequently he tells me he loves me or that he wants to love on me and hold me. Lately, he keeps asking me "Mommy, will you take care of me?" How could I not take care of you my precious son? After all, isn't that what being a mom (or dad) is all about?

I worry about not giving him the attention he needs after Olivia comes home. I worry that I'll be so consumed with caring for her that his needs won't get met. I worry that he'll think that he's not important to me. I just want to still be as good of a mother to him after having Olivia as I believe I am right now.

I love Carter so much that it hurts my heart sometimes. Even before I ever laid my eyes on his sweet little face, I loved him. When I was pregnant with him, I wrote a song for him. I'll try and post the words soon. I can't right now because I would like to stop crying. And since the day I first held him in my arms, my life has never been the same. I am not the same. I now know of a love that I had never known before. And watching Theo hold him for the first time made me fall in love with Theo so much more. Holding this miracle that the two of us created together with God was such a life changing moment for me. I know that holding Olivia for the first time will bring back those same feelings. I belive in my heart I will love her as much as I love him and with the same intensity. I don't know how not to fall in love with my babies.

I will admit that the beginning of this pregnancy was different. I didn't feel as connected to her as I did with Carter. I believe now that it was because I was so preoccupied with taking care of Carter that I didn't have every waking moment to focus on the life growing inside of me. I knew I loved her and that I wanted her but it was definitely different. After the 20 week ultrasound and shock of thinking she might not be born completely healthy, I had a much stronger connection to her. I have felt waves of guilt the past several weeks when I start to complain about how bad I feel and how I haven't enjoyed being pregnant as much this time. I don't want Olivia, God, Theo, or anyone else to think that I don't want her because I have never wanted anything more that to be mom. And after we had the third ultrasound and I saw her adorable little scrunched up face, I fell in love with her. It's not the same love I have for Theo. I can't say I love my babies more than my husband or husband more than my babies because they are different kinds of love. But I do love my children so much.....so much more than I love myself. I would do anything in the world for them. Even though there are hard days, I am blessed beyond my wildest dreams. I thank God daily for allowing me to be a mom. I'm so honored he entrusted the lives of Carter and Olivia to me and Theo. I can't imagine my life any differently. I owe all that I have to God.